"...I'm not dead, am I?"
"Do you want to say I'm dead too?"
Her voice was thorny. It wasn't pleasant to the ear, but I didn't know any better way to respond, so I treated her as usual.
"When I see the afterlife, everyone around me doesn't need to... well, they aren't dead."
Did I survive again?
"Is it really just a dream ending?"
"You definitely fell in reality. You jumped from the rooftop of a department store, spun in the air, descended horizontally, broke through a roof meant for shelter from rain, eyes rolled back, foaming, and collapsed. It was fortunate that the roof was slanted; you didn't sustain a single external injury."
"Wow."
I felt guilty for being in the hospital.
"How do you feel?"
She asked, casually pushing back her hair.
"I'm fine, though it feels a bit awkward."
She nodded once, then grabbed the front of my shirt.
"What the hell are you thinking?"
It wasn't an atmosphere where I could say that 90% of my thoughts were trivial. I searched for words to navigate the situation.
"Uh, well..."
"May I punch you?"
Her bloodshot eyes stared at me. I shook my head slightly.
"What's that about?"
"I personally think I deserve a punch, but I've already been punched by Mayu, so I'd rather not split my lips any further."
While I was rambling, she slapped my cheek. It was an open-handed slap.
It hurt terribly.
Pulled closer by the hand still gripping my chest,
My head swayed mechanically.
Then, the teacher cried.
"Huh?"
Why?
It's my cheek that's tingling.
Did she grow thorns?
I'm sweating profusely. It's uncomfortable and puzzling. She doesn't look away even as she cries. She doesn't wipe away her tears.
Is she waiting? Is she observing? The silence is painful.
"You're crying, aren't you?"
The dialogue, lacking any human touch, was the best I could muster.
Expecting a slap in return, I braced myself so as not to look pathetic.
But the teacher's reaction was different.
Her expression turned self-mocking, and she loosened her grip on my collar.
"Am I crying?" "No."
The lie I blurted out was ignored. The teacher's finger traced my cheek, wiping away the symbolic liquid of emotion, and she tasted it.
The teacher cleared her throat, but her expression was far from a smile.
"As I thought, disqualified."
"Disqualified?"
The hand that was holding me pushed me back. I fell diagonally without breaking my fall, making the bed creak. I decided to wait for someone to pick me up, my forehead felt heavy, and my cheek was itchy.
I awaited the teacher's next words. What kind of rebuke would come? To avoid being caught off guard, I steeled myself this time. The sound of a bird, similar to an owl, echoed from outside, smoothing out the rough edges of my consciousness.
I was ready.
But she made me wait.
Counting the seconds, scratching my cheek, touching my forehead, wondering if the teacher had already left the room, but too lethargic to lift my body and check.
I got tired of the bird's regular chirping and the staring contest with the ceiling.
Reluctantly, I initiated a conversation.
"How long was I asleep?"
"Two full days. The doctor said there's nothing wrong with your body, so it's a mental issue."
She responded immediately. Maybe she was waiting for my words too.
"Was there a murder?"
"I'd be troubled if you ask me about societal events."
"How much for the roof repairs?"
"Misono paid for it. She's a rich young lady, after all."
"And what about that Mayu?"
There was a slight delay in her response to this most crucial question.
"She's probably sleeping, I guess."
Her response was as expected, indifferent.
"Is Mayu... usual?"
Watching intently, I saw her chin drawn back.
It made sense, as I thought.
"Most of her emotions have necrotized. Only the most stubborn one, jealousy, remains, so her humanity is at its lowest."
It wasn't the mere act of me jumping off that would bring back her sense of guilt.
Probably, not even if I died.
"Aren't you mad at Misono?"
"I don't ask for what I don't have."
If Mayu still had sadness, she would have tried to commit suicide a long time ago.
So, this is fine.
It's the best of the worst situations.
"Besides, I've forgotten how to get angry... My heart has withered."
Was it foolish of me to speak my heart to a psychiatrist?
"You're not dead. Just asleep."
As expected, she immediately refuted.
A long-standing assertion of the teacher.
She equates the heart dying with one's last moments. No matter how twisted, as long as there's a heart, one remains a living being. That's the definition she believes in that shapes life.
I've heard this argument many times and have countered it just as often.
"If there's no hope of waking up, isn't it the same as being dead?"
Whenever our conversation turns to this topic, the teacher always looks at something trivial. It's far from the observational gaze of a physician treating a patient. It seems more like the expression of someone irritated by a fool. "Huh, people who despise being human and consciously neglect themselves often say that. If you think there's no hope, why don't you stand up by yourself?"
She retorts in a confrontational tone. We're both tired of this back-and-forth. So, recently, we had an unspoken agreement to end the discussion at this initial point. This time would be no exception, and the topic would change.
It felt as if sand was stuck to my throat. But I didn't have the energy to work anything other than my mouth, so I discarded the remnants of my thoughts.
"Is it okay for you to be skipping work?"
"I can't do that during the day."
It's either that Japan is lenient or just indifferent that even someone like her can function in society.
"Or rather, I quit." "What?"
Her words salvaged my spirit. I jumped up, following my spinal reflex, and looked at her. She was sitting cross-legged on the chair, observing her toes.
"Wait... why?"
"I wasn't suited for it."
Even young people who quit part-time jobs nowadays would probably take a more responsible attitude. It's a nonchalant attitude. My tear-dried cheeks twisted cynically.
"You thought I was meant for this job and couldn't do anything else? You sure have strong preconceptions."
"Well, if you quit, you're no longer a 'teacher' in the societal sense, but for me, you're still a 'teacher', so it's complex."
"I see, it's complicated," she said with a wry smile, stretching her legs on the chair and placing her heels on my bed, bridging the gap.
"When I was working, a day felt like eight hours, but now, it feels like I'm truly living all twenty-four hours. It's great; I'm glad I quit."
"By the way, are you sure you didn't confuse 'properly' with 'sumo wrestler's stew'?"
"Hmph, you want to say that working as a member of society is the noble and right way for a person to be. Pretending to be an outsider but surprisingly being a good child, huh?"
She pouted and displayed her displeasure like a child. She banged her heels on the bed, occasionally capturing my attention with the noise. I wanted to sarcastically remark on her childish behavior.
"You don't need to worry about check-ups; there's another doctor to take over."
She determinedly tapped her heels, sounding like a drummer in a band. I could only respond with a sigh.
"That's a half-hearted response."
"I probably won't go... ah."
I regretted not lying.
The mischievous former female doctor wouldn't miss a slip of the tongue. Her eyes gleamed, and she transformed into a bully.
"What's this? You like me that much? Yay, I'm so happy!"
"Don't make that face. I wasn't coming for treatment."
"Hmm, really? So, I did have some meaning as a doctor?"
She giggled inappropriately for her age. The action felt irritating, almost like she was pouting.
"I wasn't coming for treatment, so..."
"Want to know why I became a doctor? This isn't drama or a documentary."
"I don't mind historical explanations."
She stopped tapping her heels and looked straight at me. After a moment of contemplation, she began to speak. "In my family, for generations, we have been doctors, so my career path was naturally determined. It's the same principle as children of heroes who defeated the Demon Lord being expected to be the saviors. And since there was no psychiatrist in our lineage, I thought, why not me? It's like conquering the ranks. It's only natural for a person to think that way."
Please don't add any more obstacles to being human.